We made small talk through the whole meal; my parents constantly commenting on how fast I grew up and reminiscing about my childhood. I did my best to listen and try to recall some of the memories they mentioned, but my mind kept wandering off elsewhere like it normally did.
“So what do you want for your birthday this year?” My mom asked me that morning as I munched on my cereal.
Her. I thought to myself. “Uhm…maybe just an iTunes gift card and some money to save for a car. I don’t really need anything.”
“It’s not about needing. It’s your birthday. I want to get you something you really want.” She persisted.
Then get me her. I don’t need another top or CD or anything. Just her. I quickly crammed a mouthful of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in my mouth to avoid saying too much.
“I don’t know. I don’t really need anything aside from a car.” Which was the truth. I was tired of not having my own car to drive to school and now that I had a job, I was hoping that I could easily save up some money to get something above a piece of scrap metal.
“Well if you think of something else, let me know.” My mom sighed as I swirled the remainder of the milk left in my bowl.
I know she was just trying to help, but anymore, I just felt like being left alone. I thought going back to school and work would help distract me from the pain in my chest where my heart had been, but it seemed to only add more stress. All I ever wanted to do when I got home was sleep.
Because when I’d sleep everything would disappear. I wouldn’t worry anymore. I wouldn’t feel lonely. My mind knew where I wanted to be. Who I wanted to be with.
Except lately, the dreams were getting bad. They had a negative feeling with them and several times a week I would wake up in tears. I couldn’t even sleep without crying. So now even my dreams weren’t safe.
I got up from the table and rinsed out my bowl in the sink. Instantly I went into autopilot as I got ready for the day and headed off to school.
Nothing ever changed in my routine anymore. Wake up, get ready, go to school or work, come home, do homework, eat, sleep, start it all over.
I didn’t really feel like going out with friends. (Not like I ever really did; I never was much of a social butterfly.) I only really talked when spoken to and said yes and okay and thanks at all the times that seemed appropriate.
I was existing, but I wasn’t living anymore.
My parents kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday as the weeks drug on. My answer stayed the same because I knew that what I truly wanted would never be.
When my friends made a mention of my birthday coming up and asked if I was doing anything, I tried to just answer vaguely, “Oh, probably just do a family thing, ya know?”
I didn’t want them to put anything together. It would be a thoughtful gesture, but I know I wouldn’t be able to really enjoy it without having the other half of me there.
The other half of me.
The girl I fell in love with.
Separation from the person you love based on gender really tears a person apart. Being away from the person you love is hard in itself, but when it’s because you are part of a minority such as the LGBT community, it makes it even tougher.
Why is it so hard for some people to accept the same sex falling in love with each other?
Everyday I went through this spiel. I knew many people found it unnatural and sinful and other such words, but it didn’t make it any better.
Love is love, no matter the gender.
A few more days passed until it was my birthday. The weather was cool out, but the sun was shinning brightly as the mockingbird chirped loudly in the orange tree behind my house.
I groaned as I rolled over in bed and tried to shut my eyes tighter to stop myself from crying already. It was my birthday and I couldn’t spend it with the one person I wanted to.
About thirty minutes later, I got out of my bed and wiped the remainder of tears from my eyes. Quickly I headed to the bathroom and shut the door. I grabbed the eye drops off the counter and dropped the liquid into my eyes. As I blinked rapidly, I watched the redness disappear and heaved a sigh of relief. I didn’t know how much I was fooling my parents, but I didn’t need to make it blatantly obvious with how much I cried.
Fifteen minutes later, I appeared downstairs in an old t-shirt and jeans with my hair tied back in a messy ponytail. My mom smiled happily at me and sang, “Happy Birthday!”
My face formed a smile while I hugged my mom. I used to always be smiling last year. No matter what, you’d always find me with at least a little smile on my face. But now, the muscle in my face were tight as the expression spread across my face, in what hopefully seemed like a legitimate smile.
“Happy birthday sweetie.” My dad echoed my mom as he kissed the top of my head and sat down as well.
“Here you go.”
My mom slid a card across the table in front of me. It seemed as they followed my wish in only getting me the gift card and money. Thankfully.
I slid my finger under the envelope and took the card out. It was a simple design with swirls and flowers and a cutesy, little saying about how happy they were to have a daughter like me in their life. When I opened it up, three one-hundred dollar bills and a gift card slid out in front of me.
“Wow,” I said with genuine shock. I hadn’t expected that much money, “Thank you guys. You didn’t have to give me this much.”
“We know,” My dad began, “But we wanted to help get you started on your car.”
“And you didn’t really give us any other ideas.” My mom input.
“Thank you both, really, it’s great.” I got up and kissed both of them and sat back down.
As my mom continued to put on her make up she spoke, “So did you want to go to Mimi’s for lunch today. Just a little birthday lunch, maybe?”
“Sure.” I feigned another smile. This was becoming too much now. Too much interaction than I could handle anymore. I wanted to go back to my warm, safe bed. “Sounds good.”
“Great! Leave here at 11.” My mom happily said.
For the next few hours, I tried to busy myself with whatever I could. All of my homework was done and I had already straightened my room seven times in the past four days. Finally I decided to reread the section my professor assigned in one of my classes to make sure I truly knew what was going on.
The three of us left for lunch at exactly 11 and were seated immediately. My mom made sure to mention that it was my birthday, so I knew I got to look forward to singing probably later on.
We made small talk through the whole meal; my parents constantly commenting on how fast I grew up and reminiscing about my childhood. I did my best to listen and try to recall some of the memories they mentioned, but my mind kept wandering off elsewhere like it normally did.
Finally we were headed back home after an hour and a half long lunch that felt like it was about eight hours. As my dad pulled around the corner to our house, I noticed another car parked by our driveway.
No.
It couldn’t be.
My heart was racing as I swallowed hard.
I studied the car, but had known immediately who it was.
Her.
Before my dad had even pulled into the driveway, I was out of the car and over to the other.
There she was. Leaning against the passenger’s side door while her mom tapped her finger impatiently on the wheel.
My world was spinning right now. I felt both nauseous and happy at the same time. I didn’t know what was going on.
Gripping the mailbox next to me for support I gasped, “Y-you’re here.”
“Of course.” She smiled brilliantly. I felt my knees go weak again.
“But how? I thought…” I glanced at her mom, as if that explained everything.
“I explained to her what you mean to me.” She said calmly. I was surprised with how calm she was really. I had expected her to be upset and mad when I saw her for the first time in a while. Anything except calm. “I told her how much you’ve helped me; that you were the person who made me feel like I could trust other people and I could actually fall in love.”
I felt my cheeks get red and a smile easily form across my face. “And…she understood all of that?”
“Pretty much.” She replied, seeming a bit shocked as well. “I told her how we both felt safe together and felt like we completed each other and balanced one another out.”
I was smiling much bigger now and felt like I was floating on cloud nine. She was here. The love of my life was here. Truly. On my birthday. What could be better?
“She said that it sounded like I really loved you.” She took a step away from the car and grabbed one of my hands. Her other hand reached up and lightly grazed my chin, just like it had when we first kissed. “And I do love you, with all my heart.”
“I love you too, darling.” I whispered as I leaned closer to her.
Neither of us cared that my parents were hoovering behind us or her mom was watching in the car as both of our lips met each others. My arms instantly wrapped around her neck, while her’s wrapped around my waist as we pulled each other closer.
“Happy birthday, baby.” She whispered into my ear before I felt her lips against mine again.
This birthday would be one I’d remember forever.
One that I ended up telling our children about fifteen years later.
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