I wanted to yell.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to rip my heart out because it felt like it was killing me.
I was shaking as I cut the engine in my car that was parked outside her house.
I tried to take deep breaths, but only could inhale sharp and almost painful breaths.
You can do this. I reassured myself as I opened the car door and stepped out. My legs were shaking as I took the few steps up to her front door.
What if she wasn’t home?
I wouldn’t be able to do this again.
Physically, yes, I would be able to.
Mentally, I don’t know.
I was already an emotional wreck as it was. If this attempt failed, then I don’t know if there’d be much hope for me in future.
Slowly, I pressed her doorbell with my thumb, leaning my hand against the wall to give me some support.
I could feel my heart pounding loudly in my chest. It felt ready to jump out. I had to close my eyes and take a few breaths to try to calm myself down, but nothing was working.
When I open my eyes, I saw her peek out of the curtains by the door. Heart skips a beat.
She opened the door halfway and looked at me.
My memory did not do me any justice. Her brown hair was softer looking than I remembered it as it curved beautifully around her face; her hazel eyes sparkled brilliantly while I saw every adorable freckle on her cheeks and nose.
There was one thing missing though.
Her smile.
Her lips were pursed as she stared at me. When she parted them, her words felt like salt being thrown on the open wound, I called my heart. “What do you want?”
I inhaled sharply, trying to hide the pain her words caused me. Struggling with words I finally said in a choked up voice, “I wanted to talk.”
“Now you wanna talk?” Her voice shot back acidly. “NOW? After how long? And NOW you come to me and say you wanna talk?”
“I-I…” I began to say quietly, but was cut off.
“You expect to come back to me now, like nothing happened? Like everything is okay now? That we can start where we left off?”
“N-no…” I stuttered quietly as her voice got louder, “I-I know it won’t be the same…”
“No, it won’t be.” She spat at me, “‘cause I won’t let it be anything again. I won’t let you in again to just hurt me. Again! You were the one person I let in! The one person I thought I could trust! And then you ended up hurting me just like everyone else does!”
“I didn’t mean to.” I tried to say.
“You didn’t mean to hurt mean?! That’s b.s.! You KNEW you were hurting me. You KNEW how hard this would be for me, but you did nothing, absolutely nothing, about it!”
There was so much I wanted to say in response to that.
How much I wanted to do stuff, but I honestly couldn’t. If I did, it would only make our situation worse. And it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for me either. The nights I’d spend crying in bed, trying to fall asleep or the times when I’d try to make myself tired enough to just pass out so I didn’t have to think before going to sleep. Or the days where I just felt like there was a hole in my chest and I felt like running away, to who knows where.
But I didn’t say anything.
Because I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want her anymore angry than she already was. She was right. I had caused her enough pain. My coming here had only reopened the wounds in both of our hearts.
“I’ll go.” I said in a barely audible whisper as I looked at my hands. “I was foolish to think I’d get my real life fairy tale.”
I looked up to meet her eyes. There was so much pain in them, so much heartache. No matter how strong she tried to appear to everyone else, I could always see through it and know how much she was hurting.
Blinking a few tears from my eyes, I said, “But I never stopped loving you. And I never will.”
As I looked at her, I saw her eyes soften, but quickly resume the glare before she replied, “Whatever.”
She had slammed the door shut before I had a chance to turn around.
And then I lost it.
I tried to make it back to my car, but my legs couldn’t carry me all the way. I was curled up in a little ball on the little patch of grass outside her house. Shaking uncontrollably, I began rocking myself back and forth slowly as I began bawling.
I wanted to yell.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to rip my heart out because it felt like it was killing me.
But I couldn’t do anything except cry.
I don’t know how long I was sitting there crying. I lost track of the time. It could have been seconds, hours—gosh, even days. I didn’t know. But when I finally had my crying somewhat under control, I pulled out my phone.
I didn’t want to give up on her.
If she really didn’t want me back in her life, I’d know it. I wouldn’t have hung on for a year waiting for her. I wouldn’t still be at her house. She wouldn’t have had that look in her eyes when I reminded her of how much I loved her.
There was still a chance.
I knew that even dialing her number and the chance of her not answering could kill me, but I needed to try.
The phone just rang and rang though.
I’m sure she saw that it was me.
And from past experiences, I knew she wouldn’t answer on the first ring.
So instead I decided to try her house phone on the second try. And this time she answered.
“What do you want now?!” Her voice yelled through the phone.
It wasn’t as angry as it had been the first time and I thought I could hear the tears still in her throat.
Ignoring her question I just started right in, “I’m sorry. I was stupid and dumb and scared and didn’t know what else to do. I was so afraid of making things worse that I ended up ruining everything we had together. I should have been there for you. I should have been there for you to help you through all the stress and everything. But I didn’t wanna make things worse with your family or my family or our future. I was hoping that this would make things easier on us in the future, but now I realized that I just screwed everything up. Because that’s what I always do. I screw everything up when I try to make things right. Like always, I tried to do the right thing, but just made it worse. And I’m am more than sorry for that. I am so, incredibly, deeply, insanely sorry.”
I finally took a breath as I finished apologizing. The tears were streaming down my face again. Swallowing hard, I kept my breathing as calm as possible; in through the nose and out through the mouth I told myself.
There was a very long pause and for a brief second, I thought she had hung up and I had apologized to a dial tone. Finally I heard a sigh on the other end. “I still hate you.”
“What?” I choked out as I felt my heart plummet to my stomach.
“I hate you.” She paused again, “Like you’re my best friend.”
My breathing quickened as I realized what her words meant. She forgave me.
Trying to find my voice I said, “I hate you too…and that dress is ugly.”
I heard her laugh softly at our inside joke from the movie Princess Protection Program. How I had missed her laugh. Knowing she was actually happy. Not worrying constantly if she was okay, if she was stressed out, if she needed someone to talk to.
“Where are you, sweetheart?”
“Uhm…” I hesitated. “On your front lawn.”
I heard her laugh again, “Didn’t get very far, did you?”
I felt myself smile as I heard her front door open. We both hung up our phones and I stood up when she was closer to me.
Unable to control myself I threw my arms around her so tightly, she staggered backwards. After regaining balance she hugged me just as tightly back. I felt myself begin crying again, but this time it was tears of happiness.
“I missed you.” I whispered into her ear.
“I missed you too.”
I figured she would be unsure of starting a relationship up again between us so quickly, but she pulled away and touched my lips to her’s. Instantly I felt the tension disappear from my body and let the happiness overwhelm me.
I loved her.
She was everything I could have hoped for and more.
“I love you.” She whispered in my ear after she pulled away and nuzzled into my neck.
“I love you too, darling.”
And even more, I was her’s.
Forever.
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